Reality is nothing, your perception is everything

Let me tell you my story. The other day a friend of mine came over to my place for just one reason; to complain about a recent event, a disturbing event as he explained it to me. When he finished his "monologue" (I am sorry, but I have no other word) I just said one thing: perception is everything. Instantly he was angry and started yelling at me. " What do you mean by that, Mr. Philosopher?" he asked, incensed. "Are you saying I am a liar or crazy or that it's my imagination?"

When these words came at me, I felt there was just one option. I let my friend cool down a while, not saying nor doing anything. The story is not yet over and I need to explain to that angry man the meaning of what I said to him.

This is my explanation in terms of what can be learned from it. Our perception--how we become aware of success, failure, happiness, friendships, love, and everything else--is just a perception. It is how we perceive failure or defeat, and what we do with it, that makes all the difference. Actually, perception is our personal opinion or our point of view about any particular event. Of course, the event is a fact, not imagination, but at the same time there is a very personal view coloring the event. We really need to accept the truth about our emotions and perception: our thoughts and attitudes create our emotions - not the external event!

Our own perception depends on many things. These include our attitude, which, in turn, includes self-acceptance, self- confidence, self-respect and other things. Because your mental structure is different from my mental structure we see the same situation differently. The same pleasant or unpleasant episode is not the same for you and me. You choose your own perception and the consequences are yours, not mine.

Is it clear? If not, may I remind you about cognitive distortion? Cognitive distortion simply means that our thoughts and our way of thinking sometimes misrepresent the facts. Our own mental filter chooses how we feel. This filter will pick up any detail to prove that things are as we perceive them-negative or positive--but mostly negative! Sounds strange but any kind of behavior is a conscious choice. I didn't choose for my friend to be angry or upset. I am sorry if I am unkind but this is a reality that my friend doesn't want to see and understand. It was his attitude, his perception, of this "disturbing event" that led him to his behavior.

It is necessary to understand that sometimes the next day we will see the same event differently. How is it possible? The next day we are wearing a different "pair of eyeglasses." That is, a different mental filter. Yes, we are very fashion-conscious in that respect--we change our mental filter every time we process our thoughts. Now you know why some days are "so bad, boring and disturbing" for you. Your emotions-fear, anger, anxiety and guilt are a direct result of your mental processing system that day. Don't blame the weather, the event, the company, the other person or the government.

Our emotions are an indirect response to our environment, based on our inner thought processes. When out thoughts are in conflict with one another--cognitive distortions-or with reality, they will produce a sensation we will call emotion. All emotions are actually a result of an inappropriate response to external events. Actually, they are cognitive distortions

If you see my friend around, tell him to change his "pair of glasses". He will feel better. I, however, was not able to do it. I couldn't explain to him that he feels so negative and angry because he assumed things were otherwise than they really were.

We all need to accept one thing: our emotions follow our thoughts. It took me a long time to logically understand that the only person who is in charge of my feeling and emotions - is me. I am responsible for my "pair of eyeglasses". Whenever I start to feel inappropriately "emotional," I ask myself: What kind of mental filter is in my mind today? Where is the twisted thinking?

The more depressed or miserable I feel, the surer I am the more twisted my thinking is! In the absence of mental distortion I cannot experience my anger, fear, anxiety or depression. What about you?

Persevering from a different perspective is a very healthy way of living. We will save a lot of energy and do our nerves a favor if we can wear the appropriate "pair of eyeglasses". And we won't save just energy - maybe you can save your marriage, or friendship, or even a job!

Next time when you or someone else says, "I am sorry, that's my mood," don't be afraid to say, "Yes, I understand that, but you can change it. You have an obligation to feel better about yourself."

I didn't want to be too complex, but if I still sound "too technical", you have a choice: go over my article again and learn more about how the mind works, or simply hit a delete button. As I already said: YOUR PERCEPTION IS EVERYTHING.

Source - http://www.personal-development.com/yasha/perception-is-everything.htm

Anger is the weak person's imitation of strength

A good reason not to get angry is anger broadcasts our own weakness. When we vent our anger, we are effectively shouting, "I'm scared! I'm frustrated! I'm hurt!." That's another way of saying, "I'm weak!" After all, we are only as big as the things that make us angry.

The following are examples of frustration: becoming angry when someone takes too long at the ATM machine, cuts you off in traffic, carelessly bumps into you on the sidewalk, or looks at you the wrong way in a public place. However, like it or not, people will always do these things. We have no control over the behaviour of others. To become angry because the world doesn't behave as we would like it to is childish, even infantile. In fact, our first experience of anger caused by frustration may be at birth! For the infant doesn't want to leave the comfort and security of its mother's womb; nevertheless, it is forcibly expelled into a bright, noisy, and cold world. The infant's frustration is understandable, but as adults we need to accept the world as it is. When people act as I described above, they're not being mean; they're just being people. When we understand this, we can remain calm and peaceful.

When others do not follow our wishes or seemingly disrespect us, we become angry because of fear. We are afraid that we can no longer control them. But we were never intended to control others. Guide others by our example? Yes. Control others by power? No. Our desire for control is not wrong; it is just misdirected. It is ourselves that we need to control. When we give up our wish to control others and our environment, we will find that we have little to be angry about.

People say and do stupid things. They can hurt us. And when they do, the temptation is to get angry. But we don't have to. We can forgive them! It's not so hard to forgive others when you remember we are all the same. Nobody is perfect; we all have faults. How can we get angry with people for behaving like people? Besides, every time you give someone a piece of your mind, you make your head a little emptier. You don't want to do that, do you? Despite good reasons for not getting angry, it's a difficult habit to quit. That's because it's often more comfortable to feel angry than to feel the underlying fear, frustration, or pain.

Here's an important point to consider: the consequences of one's anger are often far worse than that which caused it. The following quotations will burn this point into your mind: "Temper is a weapon that we hold by the blade." (Sir James M. Barrie) "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned." (Buddha) "Anger: an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured." (Seneca) "Anger is as a stone cast into a wasp's nest." (unknown) "He who speaks with a sharp tongue cuts his own throat." (unknown) As a simple example, in a heated moment you may blurt out something you later wish you had not said. But the harm is already done. You cannot take back the past. The moral? Don't get angry!

Not that all anger is bad. On the contrary, anger can be justifiable and may be necessary. Or, as Henry Ward Beecher wrote in 1887, "A man that does not know how to be angry does not know how to be good." Outrage over injustice is a good example. Angry American and South African blacks brought about sweeping political reform and civil rights, strengthening their countries. Another example: if we have to fight to protect our family or flee from a threat, anger will provide us with the strength to act.

Nevertheless, more often than not, anger is harmful and can result in the following problems:

1) Alienates others. You feel nobody likes you and you are right! Nobody likes an angry person. How can you get your message across by getting cross?
2) Health problems. According to a study of more than 1,000 people at a Western Electric factory in Chicago, over a 25-year period, those with anger management problems were at a high risk of dying form coronary problems, as well as cancer. Chronic anger is also linked with weakening of the immune system, leading to life-threatening illnesses.

3) When not managed, it can lead to rage, hate, and violence.

4) If not carefully monitored, it can lead to chronic anger and spiral out of control, as shown in the following steps.

a) Frequent anger makes one more sensitive and more apt to get angry.

b) The increased sensitivity makes it increasingly difficult to manage anger.

c) And the vented anger grows in intensity.

d) The amount of relief that follows outbursts decreases, making one still more sensitive, so the downward spiraling cycle continues.

5) Chronic anger blocks other emotions and avenues for self-growth.

Tips on anger management

a) "Anger will never disappear so long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts of resentment are forgotten." (Buddha)

b) "The greatest remedy for anger is delay." (Seneca) Counting from 50 backwards not only provides a delay, but shifts brain activity from the emotional part to the analytical part of the brain, decreasing the intensity of the unwanted emotion.

c) Study relaxation and meditation techniques to reduce stress.

d) Discuss the situation, not the person; discuss the unwanted behavior without name-calling.

e) Remaining calm allows you to examine the options and seek solutions. Getting angry blocks clear thinking.

f) No one can make you angry. Whether you become angry or not depends on how you choose to react to circumstances. Suppose someone cuts you off in traffic and "makes" you angry, and you decide to speed up and do the same to the other driver. What is the result? You have turned over your power to the other driver. You started out driving safely, but now you are driving dangerously because of what someone did to you. You gave them the power to change your behavior! Does that make any sense?

Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote, "For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness." Not worth it, is it? Someone else wrote, "When you meet up with a disagreeable person, never allow yourself to be upset. Say to yourself, if a dowdy like that can stand himself all his life, surely I can stand him for a few minutes." With these thoughts in mind, let's remain in control of our most valuable asset, our mind.

Source - http://www.personal-development.com/chuck/anger.htm