Reality is nothing, your perception is everything

Let me tell you my story. The other day a friend of mine came over to my place for just one reason; to complain about a recent event, a disturbing event as he explained it to me. When he finished his "monologue" (I am sorry, but I have no other word) I just said one thing: perception is everything. Instantly he was angry and started yelling at me. " What do you mean by that, Mr. Philosopher?" he asked, incensed. "Are you saying I am a liar or crazy or that it's my imagination?"

When these words came at me, I felt there was just one option. I let my friend cool down a while, not saying nor doing anything. The story is not yet over and I need to explain to that angry man the meaning of what I said to him.

This is my explanation in terms of what can be learned from it. Our perception--how we become aware of success, failure, happiness, friendships, love, and everything else--is just a perception. It is how we perceive failure or defeat, and what we do with it, that makes all the difference. Actually, perception is our personal opinion or our point of view about any particular event. Of course, the event is a fact, not imagination, but at the same time there is a very personal view coloring the event. We really need to accept the truth about our emotions and perception: our thoughts and attitudes create our emotions - not the external event!

Our own perception depends on many things. These include our attitude, which, in turn, includes self-acceptance, self- confidence, self-respect and other things. Because your mental structure is different from my mental structure we see the same situation differently. The same pleasant or unpleasant episode is not the same for you and me. You choose your own perception and the consequences are yours, not mine.

Is it clear? If not, may I remind you about cognitive distortion? Cognitive distortion simply means that our thoughts and our way of thinking sometimes misrepresent the facts. Our own mental filter chooses how we feel. This filter will pick up any detail to prove that things are as we perceive them-negative or positive--but mostly negative! Sounds strange but any kind of behavior is a conscious choice. I didn't choose for my friend to be angry or upset. I am sorry if I am unkind but this is a reality that my friend doesn't want to see and understand. It was his attitude, his perception, of this "disturbing event" that led him to his behavior.

It is necessary to understand that sometimes the next day we will see the same event differently. How is it possible? The next day we are wearing a different "pair of eyeglasses." That is, a different mental filter. Yes, we are very fashion-conscious in that respect--we change our mental filter every time we process our thoughts. Now you know why some days are "so bad, boring and disturbing" for you. Your emotions-fear, anger, anxiety and guilt are a direct result of your mental processing system that day. Don't blame the weather, the event, the company, the other person or the government.

Our emotions are an indirect response to our environment, based on our inner thought processes. When out thoughts are in conflict with one another--cognitive distortions-or with reality, they will produce a sensation we will call emotion. All emotions are actually a result of an inappropriate response to external events. Actually, they are cognitive distortions

If you see my friend around, tell him to change his "pair of glasses". He will feel better. I, however, was not able to do it. I couldn't explain to him that he feels so negative and angry because he assumed things were otherwise than they really were.

We all need to accept one thing: our emotions follow our thoughts. It took me a long time to logically understand that the only person who is in charge of my feeling and emotions - is me. I am responsible for my "pair of eyeglasses". Whenever I start to feel inappropriately "emotional," I ask myself: What kind of mental filter is in my mind today? Where is the twisted thinking?

The more depressed or miserable I feel, the surer I am the more twisted my thinking is! In the absence of mental distortion I cannot experience my anger, fear, anxiety or depression. What about you?

Persevering from a different perspective is a very healthy way of living. We will save a lot of energy and do our nerves a favor if we can wear the appropriate "pair of eyeglasses". And we won't save just energy - maybe you can save your marriage, or friendship, or even a job!

Next time when you or someone else says, "I am sorry, that's my mood," don't be afraid to say, "Yes, I understand that, but you can change it. You have an obligation to feel better about yourself."

I didn't want to be too complex, but if I still sound "too technical", you have a choice: go over my article again and learn more about how the mind works, or simply hit a delete button. As I already said: YOUR PERCEPTION IS EVERYTHING.

Source - http://www.personal-development.com/yasha/perception-is-everything.htm

Anger is the weak person's imitation of strength

A good reason not to get angry is anger broadcasts our own weakness. When we vent our anger, we are effectively shouting, "I'm scared! I'm frustrated! I'm hurt!." That's another way of saying, "I'm weak!" After all, we are only as big as the things that make us angry.

The following are examples of frustration: becoming angry when someone takes too long at the ATM machine, cuts you off in traffic, carelessly bumps into you on the sidewalk, or looks at you the wrong way in a public place. However, like it or not, people will always do these things. We have no control over the behaviour of others. To become angry because the world doesn't behave as we would like it to is childish, even infantile. In fact, our first experience of anger caused by frustration may be at birth! For the infant doesn't want to leave the comfort and security of its mother's womb; nevertheless, it is forcibly expelled into a bright, noisy, and cold world. The infant's frustration is understandable, but as adults we need to accept the world as it is. When people act as I described above, they're not being mean; they're just being people. When we understand this, we can remain calm and peaceful.

When others do not follow our wishes or seemingly disrespect us, we become angry because of fear. We are afraid that we can no longer control them. But we were never intended to control others. Guide others by our example? Yes. Control others by power? No. Our desire for control is not wrong; it is just misdirected. It is ourselves that we need to control. When we give up our wish to control others and our environment, we will find that we have little to be angry about.

People say and do stupid things. They can hurt us. And when they do, the temptation is to get angry. But we don't have to. We can forgive them! It's not so hard to forgive others when you remember we are all the same. Nobody is perfect; we all have faults. How can we get angry with people for behaving like people? Besides, every time you give someone a piece of your mind, you make your head a little emptier. You don't want to do that, do you? Despite good reasons for not getting angry, it's a difficult habit to quit. That's because it's often more comfortable to feel angry than to feel the underlying fear, frustration, or pain.

Here's an important point to consider: the consequences of one's anger are often far worse than that which caused it. The following quotations will burn this point into your mind: "Temper is a weapon that we hold by the blade." (Sir James M. Barrie) "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned." (Buddha) "Anger: an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured." (Seneca) "Anger is as a stone cast into a wasp's nest." (unknown) "He who speaks with a sharp tongue cuts his own throat." (unknown) As a simple example, in a heated moment you may blurt out something you later wish you had not said. But the harm is already done. You cannot take back the past. The moral? Don't get angry!

Not that all anger is bad. On the contrary, anger can be justifiable and may be necessary. Or, as Henry Ward Beecher wrote in 1887, "A man that does not know how to be angry does not know how to be good." Outrage over injustice is a good example. Angry American and South African blacks brought about sweeping political reform and civil rights, strengthening their countries. Another example: if we have to fight to protect our family or flee from a threat, anger will provide us with the strength to act.

Nevertheless, more often than not, anger is harmful and can result in the following problems:

1) Alienates others. You feel nobody likes you and you are right! Nobody likes an angry person. How can you get your message across by getting cross?
2) Health problems. According to a study of more than 1,000 people at a Western Electric factory in Chicago, over a 25-year period, those with anger management problems were at a high risk of dying form coronary problems, as well as cancer. Chronic anger is also linked with weakening of the immune system, leading to life-threatening illnesses.

3) When not managed, it can lead to rage, hate, and violence.

4) If not carefully monitored, it can lead to chronic anger and spiral out of control, as shown in the following steps.

a) Frequent anger makes one more sensitive and more apt to get angry.

b) The increased sensitivity makes it increasingly difficult to manage anger.

c) And the vented anger grows in intensity.

d) The amount of relief that follows outbursts decreases, making one still more sensitive, so the downward spiraling cycle continues.

5) Chronic anger blocks other emotions and avenues for self-growth.

Tips on anger management

a) "Anger will never disappear so long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts of resentment are forgotten." (Buddha)

b) "The greatest remedy for anger is delay." (Seneca) Counting from 50 backwards not only provides a delay, but shifts brain activity from the emotional part to the analytical part of the brain, decreasing the intensity of the unwanted emotion.

c) Study relaxation and meditation techniques to reduce stress.

d) Discuss the situation, not the person; discuss the unwanted behavior without name-calling.

e) Remaining calm allows you to examine the options and seek solutions. Getting angry blocks clear thinking.

f) No one can make you angry. Whether you become angry or not depends on how you choose to react to circumstances. Suppose someone cuts you off in traffic and "makes" you angry, and you decide to speed up and do the same to the other driver. What is the result? You have turned over your power to the other driver. You started out driving safely, but now you are driving dangerously because of what someone did to you. You gave them the power to change your behavior! Does that make any sense?

Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote, "For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness." Not worth it, is it? Someone else wrote, "When you meet up with a disagreeable person, never allow yourself to be upset. Say to yourself, if a dowdy like that can stand himself all his life, surely I can stand him for a few minutes." With these thoughts in mind, let's remain in control of our most valuable asset, our mind.

Source - http://www.personal-development.com/chuck/anger.htm

The Mouse Story

Once upon a time, in the kitchen of a farmhouse, there lived a tiny, white mouse.

One day, looking through the crack in the wall the mouse watched as the farmer and his wife opened a package. "I wonder, what food the package might contain?" The mouse asked himself. He was devastated to discover it was a mouse-trap.

Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning: "There is a mouse-trap in the house! There is a mouse-trap in the house!" The chicken clucked and scratched searching for food. Raising her head, she turned to the mouse and said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it."

The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mouse-trap in the house! There is a mouse-trap in the house!" The pig sympathized, but said, "I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers."

The mouse turned to the cow and said "There is a mouse-trap in the house! There is a mouse-trap in the house!" The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose."

So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mouse-trap alone.

That very night a sound was heard throughout the house. It was the sound of a mouse-trap catching its prey.

The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see that it was a venomous snake whose tail was being held fast by the trap. The snake bit the farmer's wife.

The farmer rushed her to the hospital, and she returned home with a fever.

Now, everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient.

But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and neighbours came to sit with her around the clock. In order to feed them, the farmer butchered the pig. Still the farmer's wife did not get well.

One day; she died. So many people came for her funeral that the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.

All the while poor little mouse could do was look upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.

So, the next time you hear of someone who is facing a problem and think it doesn’t concern you, remember — when one of us is threatened, we are all at risk.

We are all involved in this journey called 'Life'. We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to support and encourage one another.

Source - Internet

A Glass of Milk

One day, a man who was hiking he stopped at small farm house  for a drink of cool spring water. A girl opened the door. He asked for a drink of water. She thought he looked hungry so brought him a large glass of milk. He drank it slowly, and then asked, "How much do I owe you?" 

"You don't owe me anything," she replied. "Mother has taught us never to accept pay for a kindness." 

He said..... "Then I thank you from my heart." As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt stronger physically, but his faith in God and man was strong also. 

Year's later that young girl became critically ill. The local doctors were baffled. They finally sent her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare disease. Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he heard the name of the town she came from, a strange light filled his eyes. Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room. 

Dressed in his doctor's gown he went in to see her. He recognized her at once. He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life. From that day he gave special attention to the case. 

After a long struggle, the battle was won. Dr. Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for approval. 

He looked at it, then wrote something on the edge and the bill was sent to her room. She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all. Finally she looked, and something caught her attention on the side of the bill. 

She read these words..... 

"Paid in full with one glass of milk" 

(Signed)

Dr. Howard Kelly 

Tears of joy flooded her eyes as her happy heart prayed: "Thank You, God, that Your love has spread abroad through human hearts and hands." 

A generous man forgets what he gives and remembers what he receives. - Old Proverb 

Every Day is a Gift

When I was a younger man, I lived my life with a philosophy of, "What's in it for me?" That all changed with one sentence... "You need to get your affairs in order. You have three months, six at the most, to live."

I sat across the desk from my oncologist as he spoke those words that shook my world. I thought he must be talking about somebody else.

I was diagnosed with a very rapid, fatal form of cancer. The doctor told me that there really wasn't anything they could do for it. He asked if I would be willing to try different types of experimental treatments. I figured I had no other options. The treatments made me unbelievably ill. There were many times when I thought that death would be kinder.

This was the bad news for Barry Gottlieb. The goods news, however was "off the charts!" A few weeks later he received a phone call from his doctor screaming on the phone..."You don't have cancer! It was a misdiagnosis...a mistake by the lab."

Can you imagine this happening to you? The roller coaster of emotions!

However, for Barry, it changed the way he thought about life. From that day forward, he said, "I made the decision to treat every day as a gift." Thus, the inspiration for this wonderful "manual for life."

Gratitude Every night before you go to sleep, recite aloud at least ten things for which you are grateful.
Forgive Let go of the past. Forgive those who have hurt or angered you. Stop carrying this poison around with you every day.
Love Be sure to tell those people in your life who mean so much to you that you love them and appreciate them.
Donate Go through your closets. Anything you haven't worn or used in the past year, box it or bag it and take it to a place where those who are less fortunate will benefit from your donation. Get your children involved!
Praise Make time to praise. Look for and recognize the good in others.

What color is an apple?

What color is an apple? If you said red, yellow, or green, you were thinking of just the surface of the apple and ignored most of it, which is white. Although there are big differences between apples and people, we often think about both in the same way. That is, we too often see only the surface of others. Our view of them is shallow and one-dimensional. No wonder we are not impressed by most of the people we meet. Yet, if plunge into the depths of those we encounter, we will discover hidden treasures.

Real or fictional, people are not only valuable, but are necessary, for their words and deeds instruct us. They reflect our own weaknesses and faults, as well as our own strength and potential. For example, let's see what we can learn from the characters in this ancient Hindu story.

Lord Krishna ordered a wicked king to search the world for one good person and bring that person before him. After a long search, the wicked king returned and said, "I have looked far and wide. Yet, everyone I met was deceitful, untrustworthy, and selfish. There is not a single good person that I can bring before you."

Lord Krishna then asked a kind and gentle king to search the world for one wicked person and to bring that person before him. After a long absence, the kind king returned and said, "Lord, I have failed you. Although I could find many that were misguided, misled, or misinformed, none were truly evil. When they act ruthlessly, it is out of ignorance; they are all good at heart."

See how easy it is to learn from others? I'm sure you weren't surprised the evil king couldn't find a good person and the kind king couldn't find a wicked person. After all, when we explore the world, we see what we ARE. We see what we BELIEVE. And we find what we EXPECT to find. Pierre Mac Orlan (1882 ~ 1970) understood we find what we look for because he wrote, "When you have a taste for exceptional people, you always end up meeting them everywhere."

The evil king was blinded by his own prejudices and saw only the surface of others. The good king's mind was unclouded by preconceptions, so he was able to dive into the hearts of everyone he met and discover their true nature. Yes, there is a great deal we can learn from others. However, learning isn't enough. We must apply what we learn if we wish to benefit from it.

People are treasures. But as long as they are strangers, they are undiscovered treasures. It is only after making friends that we have the chance to open the lid of the treasure chest and discover the glittering gems it contains. Anais Nin (1903 ~ 1977) writes about the value of friendship: "Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." Although friendship may not be necessary for survival, survival is meaningless without it.

The more friends we have the richer our lives. But, the number of friends we make is limited because of many impediments that block our way. The first roadblock was already mentioned. It is our prejudices, which obscure our vision. So, we need to become aware of our narrow-mindedness and destroy it. Here's how Victor Hugo (1802 ~ 1885) makes the same point, "Superstition, bigotry and prejudice, ghosts though they are, cling tenaciously to life; they are shades (shadows) armed with tooth and claw. They must be grappled with unceasingly, for it is a fateful part of human destiny that it is condemned to wage perpetual war against ghosts. A shade is not easily taken by the throat and destroyed." Yes, destroying our prejudices isn't easy, but it is a worthwhile and necessary struggle.

Another impediment to friendship is our differences. After all, birds of a kind flock together and those that are different are usually unwelcome. Our differences are like the pits in an apple, minor irritants at first, but they are the seeds of a lasting relationship. For though it is our similarities that unite us, it is our differences that we learn from.

Yet another impediment is self-centeredness or conceit. If we are engrossed in our own imagined magnificence, how can we see the splendor of others? A pompous attitude is hardly a recipe for friendship, for as Francois De La Rochefoucauld (1613 ~ 1680) wrote, "A person well satisfied with themselves is seldom satisfied with others, and others, rarely are with them."

Friendships that are won can easily be lost because of misunderstandings and disputes. Being angry with a friend is like burning down your own house to kill a rat. Rebuild damaged relationships with forgiveness and realistic expectations. After all, people are imperfect; and that includes us. If we are to be accepted with all our faults, don't we owe others the same courtesy?

In this regard, the Greek philosopher Epictetus (55 ~ 135 AD) offers some good advice, "Everything has two handles; the one soft and manageable, the other such as will not endure to be touched. If then your brother do you an injury, do not take it by the hot hard handle, by representing to yourself all the aggravating circumstances of the fact; but look rather on the soft side, and extenuate it as much as is possible, by considering the nearness of the relation, and the long friendship and familiarity between you - obligations to kindness which a single provocation ought not to dissolve. And thus you will take the accident by the manageable handle."

If we are easily hurt by the insensitive remarks of our friends, imagine how they feel when we do the same. The truth is, we make more enemies by what we say than friends by what we do. We can win a few friends with our mouths, more with our ears, and the most with our hearts. As long as we communicate in a thoughtful and caring way, we will maintain our friendships.

Friendship is to people what sunshine is to flowers. People need nurturing. They need our friendship, so don't wait for them to be friendly, but show them how. Just as one seed will yield countless apples, one friendship will sprout countless joys. Sir John Bowring (1792 ~ 1872) instructs us how to become good gardeners, "There is in every human heart / Some not completely barren part, / Where seeds of truth and love might grow, / And flowers of generous virtue flow; / To plant, to watch, to water there, / This be our duty, be our care."

One of the mistakes we make is to forget that everyone we see will die. Because of this lapse of memory, many words and feeling that should be expressed are left unsaid. Don't save your thoughts for your friend's eulogy, but express them today. And like Benjamin Disraeli (1804 ~ 1881), let's remember that, "The greatest good you can do for another is not just share your riches, but to reveal to him, his own."

Source: http://www.personal-development.com/chuck/friendship.htm

Give thanks for the blessings in life

We were all born into this world with empty hands, and one day we will all die in the same way. No matter how much power we may assume, how much wealth we may accumulate, or how many people we may persuade to support us, in the end we will all die in the same way: alone and empty-handed. We will most likely also suffer small deaths in our life along the way: bad investments, crushed expectations, end of relationships, death of loved ones. In these deaths, we are shocked out of the feeling of entitlement so prevalent in our society, and into the recognition that everything has been borrowed; everything has been a gift.

Alexander the Great was a supremely powerful king and conqueror. At the age of thirty-two, he became very sick, and soon realized he would die. He called his generals to him, and told them that he had three last wishes. The first was that his doctor would carry his coffin alone. The second was that gold, silver, and gems he has accumulated should be scattered along the path where his coffin would be carried. And the third was that he should be buried with his hands outside the coffin. Only his closest general dared ask why. After taking a deep breath, Alexander said: “I want everyone to understand the three lessons I have learned. To let my doctor carry my coffin alone is to let people realize that a doctor cannot really cure people’s illness. Especially when they face death, the doctors are powerless. I hope people will learn to treasure their lives. My second wish is to tell people not to be like me in pursuing wealth. I spent my whole life pursuing wealth, but I was wasting my life most of the time. My third wish to let people understand that I came to this world in empty hands and I will leave this world also in empty hands.”  He closed his eyes, fell silent, and died.

Give thanks every night for blessings we have received to release the sense of entitlement. It reminds us that we are, essentially, always empty-handed.

To live life in desire, no matter how much or how little you may have, is to live in lack. 

To live life in gratitude, no matter how rich or poor you may be, is to live in genuine abundance. 

Source: Internet